Pick Yourself Up

I remember thinking there were things I would never get over; things I would never forgive myself for doing--for the mistakes I made, for hurting another person. Times I may have passed up a golden opportunity, or not done the right thing in a given situation.

I used to get lost in this trap--the trap of "I'm the worst person there is." Or, "I will never get another chance or a good break, or be able to change, grow, or learn from my mistakes."

Let me tell you something: That is a lie! A total untruth! It is a trick from the enemy to keep us down, keep us riddled with anxiety and guilt. The real truth is there is not ONE of us who is perfect; not one of us who don't make daily mistakes whether on the job, perhaps in raising our kids, in something we said to another person during the day that just flew out of our mouth that we wish we could take back.

Perhaps we have made poor financial decisions. I think there are many of us who got ourselves into a pit of bad money mistakes. Is it the end? Doom and gloom? Nope, and I'm here to tell you. Many years ago, financial burden put me and some others into bankruptcy. I felt like an idiot, not worthy, very down on myself. But one day at a time, I worked my way out of it. I kept at a good job. I didn't spend anything unnecessarily for a very long time. Oh, I would treat myself to an occasional goodie, but there were things I had to miss for a few years knowing I wanted to be on the other side of this issue.

I began tithing. I read about giving ten percent of my wages to my church and I did this in earnest. Even at my lowest, things began to work out. When I tithed, God took care of ALL of my needs. Not just a few, but every one of them. Maybe I wasn't rich, but I was able to pay my bills, and have a little left over to enjoy some of the small things in life.

How much easier it is to say poor me. But you are not poor, you are rich in the love of God, rich in the blessings surrounding you. What do you have? Maybe you have your health which is truly everything. Perhaps you have children who adore you. Or you have friends that you can share a healthy laugh with every once in a while. You have a home, small luxuries that to others would make you seem wealthy. You have breath in your lungs, the ability to walk, work, and play.

Maybe you haven't met the love of your life yet. Or maybe you feel time has treated you unfairly and others get all the breaks. I learned a lesson with this as well. Instead of jealousy, I began to choose to be a person of compliments and encouragement. I knew that some of the very things I was envious of, could be mine too if I worked hard enough at it. Maybe with baby steps, or in very small ways, but as long as I was doing something toward my goals, perhaps writing, then I could reach small successes too.

If I wasn't willing to put out the work, how could I expect any glory? If I wanted what others had but wasn't willing to put the time into the very things I desired?  I never knew what sacrifices those people might have had to overcome to be who they are.

Even if we make one small change when we wake up tomorrow. We decide this will be the day we ____________.  This is the day we take a step toward a good goal and a new outcome. This is a day where anything, even a miracle however small or large is possible. Because it is. Believe in yourself, but believe in a God Who can direct you to the life you've always dreamed of.

Heavenly Father, thank you for the person reading this. I'm hoping you direct them to the words they need to hear; Words that are not mine, but Yours. Give them courage to take a step in the direction they are meant to go. Give them Your favor, peace, unconditional love, and blessing. In Jesus name.

Letter to Myself

Dear Karen (Age 8),
     I wanted to write to you and let you know that it will be okay. I know some things seem a little blurry to you right now and even a bit scary. Your mom might not be as calm as you'd like, as loving, or even might seem a bit different from other mommies. It's okay.
     Did you know she had a very bad childhood? Did you know that her daddy was a mean guy and he hurt her mama sometimes? Did you know that her mama yelled at her and her siblings because she was so overwhelmed she didn't know what to do?
     Did you know how much your mom loved her sister? And when her sister passed away at Easter time, it just about broke your mother's heart? Whatever weak thread was holding her fragile mind together snapped. And she had lots of problems after that.
     Did you know that your mom is going to be fine though? She will return to you whole and healed in a short time. You will be stronger for it, Karen age 8. You will develop a heart of compassion toward the people in this world who have all sorts of issues because you understand what it's like to be with someone whose mind has been touched by pain.

Dear Karen (Age 13),
     I know this isn't how you pictured your new life moving to a nice, new home and beginning adolescence. You didn't do anything to "deserve" the curvature of the spine. It wasn't your fault or the fault of anyone. Bad things happen sometimes. Yes, it is a very frightening time. You are going through all sorts of weird things in the hospital to make you better.
     Did you know that your mom will be extremely strong while you are going through this? Did you know she will show a bravery you didn't think her capable of? Did you know that your daddy will make you laugh and keep things light because that is how he handles stressful situations?
     Did you know that this hospital time will give you a heart of love toward other people that have health problems and those who are scared and sad? Did you know that you will use this time to be braver and stronger in the future and that you will someday work with people in an office who always tell you just how much you've been there for them?

Dear Karen (Age 17),
     You're a teenager now. I know that sometimes your mom doesn't act like you can be independent, but give it time. Did you know how much she worries for you since you had the major back surgery? She is frightened that something could go wrong, or that you will hurt yourself? Remember, that is her issue, not yours. You will grow to be very independent--more than you realize. You won't have to live with the fears and doubts that others have put on you. Just keep your eyes focused on the Lord and remember what He says about you.

Dear Karen (Age 30)
     You've had some issues and made some bad choices in life. Even though some people bring these mistakes up, they do not have to define who you will still become.
     Your first marriage in your early twenties brought a good family into your life even though your husband wasn't the man he said he was. It is again, not your fault. You are still worthy even though he made you feel as if you were not. You are beautiful, loved, and whole. Don't let what he did affect who you are in the future. Love your sons, be a good mother. Love your parents, be a good daughter. And realize that the hurt you have gone through will once again mold you through compassion and you will love others with your own words one day. Yes, your dream of writing will come true. Believe.

Dear Karen (Age 55),
     It's been a while since I've written to you. You have all the tools you need to be a loving daughter as you watch your parents aging and their health, failing. You are stronger than you know--not that weak little eight-year-old girl who was scared of her own shadow. You are a child of God, and a child of the two most wonderful parents! Everything you have been through in life has brought you to this moment; a moment you've dreaded as you say goodbye to your mother and father.
     Did you know that you will be okay? I promise. You will be a comfort to others who are grieving. You will know how to talk to God and pray for those who are hurting as much as you have hurt during this time.
     Did you know that there will be moments, wonderful moments where you will feel not only Mom and Dad near you when they are departed, but the presence of the Holy Spirit so strongly in your heart that it feels like it could burst from love?

P.S. You can do all things through Christ who gives you strength. You are strong and courageous. You are a child of the most High God. You need not have fear and doubt and let discouragement put you down. You will rise above all the things that others told you that you could never do. You will do them and excel. You are no longer a little fearful child. Every difficult thing that you've gone through in life has brought you to this moment. It's your moment to shine.

Love,
(Your 58 year-old self)

    

Care For the Giver

I lay awake at four in the morning, totally unable to find that cozy spot once again or to stop the thoughts which pummel me from all sides. Will Mom be alright today? Will she eat and take her pills? What if she missteps and takes a fall? Is her health okay?

On the days I am with her, I try to give her my all. We begin with a scrumptious breakfast, bacon, french toast and coffee. I do my best Lumiere impression from "Beauty and the Beast" for her to "Be My Guest" as I serve her. I love to make Mom laugh, and it's no easy task always thinking up a barrage of chatter so she won't go down any of the paths of depression. Dementia is enough without the added sadness she sometimes carries.

I glance around for tasks which need done; wanting to be of help to my brother who is her nighttime caregiver. He does so much, and I want to make life a little bit easier for him too. I'll begin the wash, take care of the cats, do a light dusting, help Mom to dress or heaven forbid, take a shower. For this has not been easy and on the days I can coax her, I end up getting almost as wet as she does. I know she feels badly. It can't be easy having your daughter insist you do something that has become almost scary. For the tub isn't easy to maneuver with her bad leg, and getting her onto her shower seat takes patience and a little muscle as well.

Some days I take Mom for a drive to a favorite spot near a lovely creek and small stone bridge, knowing she and Dad loved to drive there each week. We may even grab a little food while we are out, but taking a walker in and out of the car and making sure she doesn't fall, gives every trip a little added stress.

 I orchestrate all her doctor, dental, eye and foot appointments like a well-oiled machine, seeing that she is cared for. And getting her to them is another feat in itself.

Once she is situated back home, I make sure that Mom has taken her late afternoon pills; or days when I am not there, try talking her into taking them on the other end of the phone. It's exhausting, these simple tasks, and sometimes as part caregiver, I want to vent and scream and even run away.

My friend Goldie reminded me that we must care for ourselves. We are no good to anyone if we don't first take time to do something nice for us. As another of my friends, Paula mentioned the other day, if  you were traveling on a plane and in an emergency the oxygen masks came down before you, you would first put the mask onto your own face so that you'd have enough breath to take care of your loved ones around you. We cannot help someone else if we can't breathe.We cannot thrive without oxygen, and that's what the caregiver needs; sometimes one small breath at a time.

It's been easy to fall into a trap recently--an endless pit of despair at times. Poor me, why me, etc, etc. But when I actually listened to these two remarkable friends, my spirits lifted and the shackles of depression began to abate. Some people find a little solace in having their nails or hair done, or purchasing a fun new outfit. Others enjoy a good workout at a local gym. There are those who take in a movie with a good friend, or share a cup of coffee with another. A long, hot bath, good music, all great for the caregiver. And some of these are easily accomplished.

I took in a movie the other day. And I've been taking time to read good books, listen to music I enjoy, and on occasion, even paint my nails with glitzy, fun colors. Yes, it's true--we must give care to ourselves a bit from time to time or we lose a little of who we are and all that we can do for others.

So, buy the new shirt, read that book, indulge in the dark chocolate you've been wanting. Call a friend and vent. Then vent some more. Laugh at a funny movie, or be inspired by a touching one. Do something for you! It makes the spirits soar and helps us to be a much-improved caregiver. Remember to breathe.

Fifty Shades of Wonderful

Love yourself unconditionally.

I'm not going on a rant. I'm not going to lecture anyone. This isn't your typical "Fifty Shades" bashing.

I've read many books and seen many movies. I've thoroughly enjoyed horror, love, literature and other types of reading pleasures. One of my favorite series is Diana Gabaldon's "Outlander" books. There's plenty of everything in these books, yes, sex too, but I think we are all missing the point here.

I am no one to judge. Please carry on with your day and feel no regrets. I'm speaking today to our young girls. In that category I mean our very small children and young teens. In today's society, they are exposed to so much more than I was back in the dinosaur era. I grew up with television, movies, records and books. And yes, some of it influenced me very very much. Especially the lyrics to many songs. I became curious and began to wonder about such things that were extremely explicit at the time.

The main problem with "Fifty Shades" is simply this: it's teaching young ladies that it's okay to let a man dominate you even to the point of telling you how much you should weigh and how your body should look. I read a few chapters of this book at the suggestion of a friend, waiting for the love story that eventually blossoms. But as someone who has been in verbally abusive, controlling relationships, it sickened me. I cannot for one minute advocate a man telling a woman she MUST work out, she must be a certain "type" if she's to be with him.

Our poor young girls have enough with the razor thin models gracing the covers of our magazines and blatantly pasted all over the internet and television. So now they must believe that the only way to "get" a man and keep him is to totally obey him? Especially where it comes to looks?

Give me old-fashioned values and manners. Give me conscience and morals. Yeah, I've messed up, perhaps a lot in my life. There are times I'm not proud of and relationships I wish I could erase from memory, but please, young people, open your eyes. I'm not just another grandma lady preaching at you. Love yourself for who you are. Love your weight, your face shape, your eyes, your nose, your ears, whatever it is you think needs changed or worked on. Be content with who you are, who God made you to be. And never let a man abuse that confidence.

In a marriage in my early twenties, I was with a "pretty boy" who constantly made me feel less than. When we'd first met, it was all compliments and love. But a change began to occur. I had never known at the time what a manipulator he was. I hadn't known that there were multiple affairs and women calling the house, hanging up. I hadn't known he'd eventually leave me in the dust for someone "better looking." Oh yes, it happens every day.

My self-esteem suffered for years because of this. I never lived up to the distorted reality of what I should be, or what I should look like. I punished myself for years thinking I deserved this, and it was my fault, and if only I was prettier, thinner, whatever. I wasted precious, valuable time with this lifestyle.

The bottom line ladies is this once again. Love yourself. Be proud of who you are. Find healthy relationships with men who adore you, who want to see you grow. Don't let anyone make you feel less than. You are God's beautiful masterpiece, and remember, He doesn't create junk. You are who you are for a very special reason. And that is fifty shades of wonderful.