Sunday, May 31, 2015
I've reached a time where bones hurt and aches and pains are prevalent. My aging parents weigh heavily on my mind and sometimes the sins of my past come back to haunt me in wicked ways. I think of ups and downs, triumphs and failures. I've made mistakes in marriage, hurt people with my words at times, but hopefully have been a blessing as well.
Have I raised my son well? Am I a good daughter, wife, employee, friend? I wish I had the answers. There are days I'm fresh and ready to face most anything. And then there are others that threaten to crush my spirit, leaving me hollow and aching, forlorn and almost hopeless.
I could never have faced the difficulties of this life without my faith. As a young girl in Catholic school, a teenager who watched every religious movie ever made, and an adult who finally found peace in a non-denominational church. The road of my faith was bumpy, filled with rocks and pebbles. Guilt was such a big part of growing up Italian and Catholic at the same time. I was never quite "good enough." Never measured up to someone, anyone who was better than me, smarter, kinder. Oh did I waste a lot of time.
I never understood grace. I thought I had to work my way to heaven, buy my way in with the ticket of perfection. Not until about six years ago and finding a church home which changed my life, did I realize that grace, perfect love of a perfect God is all I need. That's it. I don't have to be better. I'm good enough for God's love. I am His beloved and have felt the Holy Spirit stirring strongly in my life.
When those days come, the days that pull me down, reminding me how far I still need to go, or tickle at the outer corners of my mind with their lies of being worthless, I remember grace. Someone died for me. His blood, His love poured out for ME. No matter how imperfect and pain-filled my body is, how thoughts of past failures plague me, He loves me unconditionally. And nobody will ever take that away.
Bask in the thought today. Surrender to grace.