I Can do This

 

Years ago, when I was in my thirties, oh my that was ages ago actually..... Well anyway, I had a mantra that kept me going when I was on a journey with Weight Watchers. I would say to myself, sometimes out loud about the changes in eating, "I can do this, I will do this." To which I would add also, "With God's help." I knew I couldn't do it alone, this way of eating better, portion control, changes in habits. It did work, and with lots of determination, I hit my goal. (Which of course didn't last forever and ever....but that's not what this little story is about.)

Last week I had blood work. With the online wonder of the My Chart app, we are now able to view things about our health long before a doctor gives us a call. We are floundering looking things up sometimes, imagining all sorts of frightening scenarios and planning our demise. 

I've been a bit of a basket case lately. There have been several things going on in my little world which have taken a toll on my mental and physical state. I have turned to comfort in a few different ways, but one of them has been eating too many sweets and salties. It's easy when we have a table piled high at work with bags of chips, homemade brownies, boxes of donuts from adoring patients, and worst of all, a container of my true weakness: Helluva Good French Onion Dip. Come on people, don't tell me your mouth isn't watering this very second thinking about that one. There are times I dreamed of polishing off a small container.

Sitting at my computer last night, I typed in the results of my recent blood work. Lots of good numbers and green checkmarks etc. "Hey," I thought. "I'm doing pretty well." Until page two. There it was, the dreaded number which showed high cholesterol. My stomach did a slow flip; my palms began to sweat and my heart speeded up a bit. "No!!! I don't want this!" I like my treats and sweets and eats. I'm going to have to make healthy changes if I want to avoid medication.

Okay, I admit I had a small party of pity. I scrolled and scrolled, reading up on healthy foods. I realized there are things I have to cut out entirely and bring in the crunch of vegetables and fruits, and say goodbye, or at least see you later to pastries, etc.

Mom and Dad had high cholesterol and I know it is often inherited. But I also know that I was running amok in my level of anxiousness with delicious treats to comfort myself. So, I wrote out a plan, I am starting today. My doctor put me on an anti-anxiety/anti-depressant. I want to live a long and healthy life for my loved ones. I want to feel good in mind, body, and spirit. I have to avoid the kitchen at work. I have to say NO to some things right now and make the time for a few extra minutes of exercise as well. I'm not fooling myself, there will be an occasional treat.

This is not a shaming post for me or you. There are times we have to allow ourselves some grace when we've been through a rough patch. But this is something I must do for myself and as I said those many years ago: "I CAN do this, I WILL do this. With God's help."

Dead Things Come Alive

 

No, this isn't an early Halloween post. I'm not writing about Zombies or anything of the sort. I'm talking today about nature and the parallel between the destruction of the storm we had several months back and life.

We huddled in the kitchen together as the winds roared outside. The power flickered and then went out. A darkness that would last a couple days. When I looked out the window after the passing of the storm, I noticed something odd. The landscape in our backyard, the horizon of trees, so to speak were gone. Where full, green, towering trees once stood, it looked like splintered toothpicks. Branches and whole parts of them lay on the ground; our fence was demolished, our shed, gone. My heart sank. Never before had we had such devastation, yet I knew we were more fortunate than most. Our house was standing, and we were unscathed.

Time passed, and though the view into the back of the house was forever changed, I began to get used to seeing it that way. Several kind people, helpers, came and cleared trees and removed our shed. We were very blessed with the amount of help we had. 

There's a little window in my upstairs bathroom and when I have it open, I was still able to see the tops of the broken trees. I didn't like the look of the jagged, ugly, lifeless things. What about the birds? I thought... They loved those trees and probably had beautiful nests every summer filled with their babies. Now everything is dead.

Until it wasn't. Looking out that little window this morning, I almost gasped. For where the tops of the pointy, toothpick-like trees were, hundreds of green leaves grew upon the trees again! How I'd missed the "growing back" part is beyond me. I think I'd been so used to seeing something unsightly that I hadn't noticed the miracle. Dead things come alive! 

So the trees grew back! And we can too my friends! For aren't we dead inside sometimes? Aren't we like the broken trees after a good wind of despair whooshes through our lives? Aren't we waiting and waiting for beauty to come again? We may bend, and we may even break a little, but it's the persistence of prayer and hope in the Lord that will get us through. Good friends, great talks. Small things we enjoy. Lovely music, a good book. And then all of a sudden, our leaves grow back. Our heart is restored! May it be so for you and me dear ones.

The yard after work was done, fence repaired, shed taken down. And the beautiful green trees once again!

This photo was right after the storm.

Creativity Healed Me

 

Only four months after the loss of my dear boy cat, Rocco, his littermate sister Bella went downhill quickly and we lost her the day after Thanksgiving. I never realized the bond between human and feline could cut so deeply after ours was severed. 

When Rocco passed, Bella seemed to look around for him for the longest time. Then I ordered a "cat pillow" with his picture and she took to sleeping right by it on the couch. Who knew that a cat could suffer a broken heart as well? Bella's depression turned quickly into ongoing health issues for her. Right at the time when my husband landed in the hospital this past fall, Bella began to exhibit some scary behavior. She barely ate, she seemed to have other stomach issues. One thing didn't change and that was her need to be in my arms. 

When I read or crocheted on the couch, Bella would always walk by scoping the situation. If I motioned for her to jump up, she would join me. But she was a lap cat and eagerly let me rock her like a baby when I put my book or other project down. She would gaze into my eyes as if trying to memorize my face. I spoke sweetly to her and told her how much I loved her but I began to have a terrible feeling.

Only one thing seemed to draw me out of a constant worry for my husband and Bella. I began some simple craft-making at the time. Just silly bookmarks at first, but then my passion developed into card-making and watercolor painting. Before too long, I found that stress seemed to float away, at least for an hour or so while I crafted. It appeared that creating something pretty created a much better me.

Though my Bella was comfortable, I knew that there would come a time that she would whisper in my ear that she was ready to join her brother. I truly thought I'd have her for several more years, but Bella said differently. She fell asleep in my arms at the vet's office the day after Thanksgiving. My heart cracked into two pieces and the tears flowed for a time.

Paper hearts, pretty Christmas glitter, and little baubles began to seal the fracture that ran along my own heart. As I shared the items with others, people told me to continue and cheered my beginning efforts at crafting. Bella was never more than a thought or prayer away from me, but my hands busied themselves with glue, scissors, and all sorts of pretty papers. The hands that petted and held a beautiful cat now began to make beautiful things. 

I miss two beautiful cats. I miss them with everything inside me. Their love remains with me as I sit near the two pillows with their precious faces. As I craft, I hear myself singing silly cat songs to them or calling them by the pet names reserved for special times. Rocco will always be my "Boy Oy Oy." And Miss Bella will always be "My Girlfriend!"

I will continue to make sweet little gifts for people and maybe someday I will even sell some of these things. I will enjoy every precious moment of crafting and thank God for the gift of healing that came along with it.

My beautiful girlfriend, Bella.

My little sweetheart's memorials.

Bella's pillow.

Bella cuddling with her brother's memory pillow.

Some of my latest creations:

Write Off a Whole Year?

 

Never one to "write off" a whole, year, I'm the type that can usually find good in most situations. That was until September hit with a BANG! 

My birthday month of August had just passed. As usual, I milked every precious day of it. We took fun drives, went to Kennywood park with my son. I got accolades and nice gifts. Yeah, I'm one of those. I am a kid at heart who literally tries to enjoy the whole month no matter how old I seem to be getting.

September began quietly until the afternoon my husband got a bad case of the hiccups. He held his breath, he drank tons of water. Nothing helped. Finally I knew we'd have to go to the emergency room. Such an odd thing, but it had gotten a little scary.

While at the hospital, the doctor ran the usual bloodwork and it was found that my Jim had extremely low sodium levels. Actually, quite scarily low. He was admitted into the hospital and stayed for four days. I had just begun a new job a few months prior, so my days were spent between running to visit him in the morning, head to work for a few hours, and then run back to be with Jim at night. During this time, I also noticed my cat, Bella acting strangely. She mostly stopped eating and drinking, yet still seemed to enjoy my company. We'd only lost her litter mate and brother Rocco only two months before.

While Jim remained in the hospital, it took a while to get his sodium levels back to normal. Too fast would be dangerous. And they changed up some medications he was on, completely cutting him cold turkey off of some of them. It did not sit well. I saw changes in my husband that began to scare me. He exhibited signs of confusion and anger. I never thought to ask the nurses about the meds at that time. The hiccups had gone away with medication the first night Jim was there, but all the water-drinking trying to rid himself of them, seemed to have caused the dangerous sodium issue.

When my husband returned home, my stress level soared. His new medications and behavior were foreign to me and I had to adjust. My Bella cat continued to get worse. Working full time, worry for Jim and my cat, I was consumed with anxiety. I began to lose my joy and felt bitter and depressed.

We are praying people and that never stopped. Jim was nervous from all he'd gone through, and his neediness made me weary. I wanted to be a good wife and asked God to please, please give me the strength I needed. I also talked with God about my Bella. "Please Lord," I said. "It's too soon after losing her brother. Don't take my girl away from me too."

It took almost two months but little by little Jim's behavior changed for the better. He seemed to finally be adjusting to the new medications and lost his fear and confusion. But we had to make the sad decision to say goodbye once again to a precious pet. Only four months after her brother, Bella crossed the Rainbow Bridge. I held her in my arms while she still purred for me. My eyes were the last she saw, and my scent, the last thing she smelled before she slept. 

As Christmas approached, I felt grateful for so many things. The year hadn't been a complete disaster. There had been moments of fear and sadness, but just as many moments of goodness, joy, and answers to prayers.

As I write this, snow is falling heavily and so beautifully outside my window. Small twinkling fairy lights are on in every corner of my home. My watercolor paints, soft yarn for crocheting, and paper crafts beckon me. Jim sits nearby enjoying solitaire computer games. We are very blessed.