The End and The Beginning

 

Something began to happen with me and I know when it started. Something that was so foreign to my nature became the new normal: anger. It was three years ago. A major shift had happened in my life and it wasn't personal in nature it was with my work life.

You see when I was nineteen-years-old I graduated from a business school in Pittsburgh. Unable to find a job in the secretarial field, I was trained on-the-job as a dental assistant in my small hometown of Ambridge, Pa. Unsure at first if it was a good fit for me, I grew to love my position and the wonderful people I served daily in my capacity as a dental caregiver. I had a tough but fair boss who taught me with his excellent skills and knowledge. Twenty-seven years went by in the blink of an eye, and it was time to move on from my beloved town and job that I truly cared about.

When I moved, I was able to find an old-fashioned dental office in my new town and work with some truly great and wonderful people. The skills that had served me all of my young life helped me to do well.

Up until three years ago, I was extremely content with my workload. I was able to manage my time, get along great with co-workers, and grew extremely fond of my young boss. A purchase of a new facility changed that. There were difficult personalities to get used to. We'd merged with another dental practice and it was as foreign to me as if it were another planet. Their ways were odd, and the combination of two offices gave us so much work it was difficult to keep up. My stress level rose and every day was a new lesson in difficulty. At my age, I wondered why would I have to work so much harder now. Wasn't I moving toward retirement years? 

I sometimes thought about leaving but so much responsibility had been given to me, that I felt horrible guilt if I entertained the idea too long. People counted on me. The patients, my boss, co-workers. Phones rang continually. Walk-ins became the new norm. It felt as if everyone needed a little piece of me. I micro-managed major parts of every day. I did front desk duties, assisting, and kept ahead of major insurance issues. I was fried. And then anger set in. I snapped at co-workers. I even began to snap at my boss, a man who deserved my respect. I mostly took my anger out on my husband every evening when I practically fell through my door exhausted. The hours were long, long, longer. I felt trapped with every part of my being.

A time had come and gone when I almost left. I'd prayed about it and felt that the Lord had told me to wait. Still I seethed in silent suffering and not-so-silent ways as well. Until recently.

That time came again and when I prayed about it, every door began to open. I asked of other people if they would choose peace over money. Every single person said yes. I fretted a bit over working again at my age for another dental practice. Working with different personalities, a new dental program. And what about the hours? They would be considerably less than what I was used to.

With a heavy heart and extreme difficulty, I said goodbye to the office that had been my home for the last eighteen years. I said goodbye to girls I'd been with for so very long, and others I had just begun to know. I felt riddled with guilt and anxiety. I almost sabotaged my own happiness. Every night for over a week I had horrible nightmares. I'd hurt some people and I was a horrible person.

Until I realized I wasn't. I deserved this break, this new time. A dentist who was a good friend of mine gave me a golden opportunity. Without realizing, God worked through this man and he saw what was needed in my life, my older years. 

Though my first week felt so odd to me, though guilt threatened me at every turn, I stayed with it. I found that I gained more than I might have lost. God spoke in that still, small voice inside of me when I questioned things. What does it matter, He asked. Do My Will.

It has turned out that His will meant more than just helping others or being a good employee once again. It has been a gift He wrapped for me in beautiful, shiny paper. It is the gift of much-needed time. Less hours, less days. Hour-long lunches where I can walk outdoors in the brilliant sunshine. Yes, He moved me to what I was supposed to do. 

Don't question Him, friends. When you truly ask God to Open Doors That No Man Can Shut, and Shut Other Doors That No Man Can Open, and if He moves you, do it with your whole heart. Yes, it can be scary. But He will not leave you. He will walk with you. Oh, and that anger, He has removed it from inside of me. For how can I feel anger when there are so many blessings all around me?