A Big Decision

 Two years ago our small dental office moved to a larger location. Along with the move, we also acquired a whole new patient load and several new staff members. The move itself was stressful and the labor needed to get us to the new facility was intense. I can't say I was thrilled at the time, but the new office was bigger, brighter, and modern. I would certainly give it my best.

Flash forward to the present. Work was becoming almost unbearable. Staff changes, new associates, dental insurance nightmares, difficult patients. Sometimes lack of communication lead to unbelievable stressors. Would we ever find the fun, simplicity, and camaraderie that we once shared?

Some of the ladies in my practice have become good friends. We've shared laughter, tears, life stories. And for their own reasons, they decided they needed to leave. Though my heart broke, I knew that I cared for them enough that their happiness was most important. Though my own work load would triple, and I truly wanted to walk out that door with them, I decided to pray about it. "Lord, you know I can't take the stress. This has become too much for me at my age. I need peace desperately. I need your guidance."

No lightning bolt crackled nearby. Only one word came to me in that still, small way: WAIT. I pondered its meaning, I questioned God daily about it. I sought other employment but felt no joy. Then I said, "Lord, if you want me to stay, I will do it. But I need you."

Several weeks ago I had a small breakdown of sorts. Though I'd never done this before, I called off the following day from my job and left them completely unattended at the front desk. I could not think one more thought, could not step into that building without crying or feeling my chest tightening.

My employer spoke kindly to me one evening. It was after I told him I needed to resign. He looked at me and said, "I can't do this without you. You are the heart and soul of this place. Give me a chance. I want to make this work for you."

Again, no bolt of lightning nor crack of thunder. No Charlton Heston voice out of the blue giving me cosmic advice. Just that small voice: wait.

I made the decision right then that I would wait it out. I would give the place that had been home to me for seventeen years another chance. I adored many of the patients especially the elderly ones who have come to know me so well. The ones who specifically ask for me and trust me with their concerns. I would give my employer what he needed. He'd become more like family over the years, another brother to me, even. But also, I could not abandon them. I would not be the reason that our practice could potentially fail. My mother raised a girl who had a conscience.

Has it been easy waiting for new staff, working alone, working extra hours, taking on even more responsibilities? Not at all. But God. That's right. When I feel anger, anxiety, or a pit in my stomach, I say quietly in my spirit: "Jesus, I need you right now." That is what had been lacking up until then. The simple childlike faith that had gotten me through other trials in my life. A simple sentence, and sometimes only His name whispered: Jesus. 

Though I don't know what the near future holds, I will do my very best. I will not complain to friends and family when the day doesn't go as planned. I will go to the throne... not the phone. For it says in the Bible: So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most. Hebrews 4:16

But the promise I made to my son, husband, and brother, still stands. If I can't take another second, if stress piles and situations don't change, I will have to do what's best. I would have to make the decision to leave. Right now, I don't see that. Right now, I am living one day, one hour at a time. 

Oh, did I get some concessions out of this? You bet I did. I am nobody's doormat, nobody's fool. Just a kind girl who believes in being a help to others. 

Savor

 

It's almost been a year since I blogged. I could say that too much "busyness" has kept me away. That's a good excuse. But then something really important happened. Something I need to speak about. 

A month or so ago, I had my routine mammogram. I looked forward to the letter that would arrive stating the "all clear" diagnosis. This time, I received a phone call. A sonogram was ordered to investigate a little further. Stomach clenched, heart raced, fear arrived. "This has happened before," I told myself. "Stop working yourself up."

The day of the sonogram arrived. With faith in my heart and prayer as my shield, I chatted with the technician and hoped for the best. She left the room to give the results to the on-call doctor. Those fifteen minutes or so felt like eternity. 

When the two of them walked through the door, my heart sank. I figured if it was good news, the technician could have given it to me. But the doctor... this meant business.

"You have a very small spot, only 3 millimeters. But it's best to do a biopsy to determine further results."

Biopsy. A word that conjures up all sorts of horrors that I won't get into right now. Stomach churned, heart palpitated, fear made its way into me. And there it stayed for the next several weeks. 

I had amazing prayer warriors. I had a husband who believed for the best outcome. My own faith didn't waver, but I said to God, "No matter what. My story for Your glory." I wanted good news of course, but I was ready to face anything.

As terrified as I was for the biopsy, it was incredibly painless and easy. All of the healthcare workers were wonderful. Okay, I admit, I did take a Xanax, but that was just a little... help of sorts. I lay there and kept the Bible verses close to me that were the best encouragement: "Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified. For the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." And, "Do not fear for I am with you, do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

The results would come in three to five business days. Even with faith as my shield, uncertainty loomed before me. If it was this... then I'd have to go through that... Could I dare hope for a benign result?

My prayer partners and praying husband reassured when darkness threatened. I kept busy with my job and daily routines until I saw an email from the health portal that said: New test results available.

Nope, not gonna look at that. I don't understand health lingo. I knew the office would call very soon at that point. While at work, my cell phone rang. I jumped from my desk and took the call outdoors of my office. The nurse was pleasant and kind as she gave me the news: Benign. The best word a woman could hear. I laughed and cried with her and then laughed and cried with everyone I called right afterward.

Today, a few days later, I am better for having gone through this. My story for His glory. God was with me even in the darkest night terrors. He stood near and held me when I thought I'd faint from fear and worry. I looked to Him with hope that no matter the outcome, He would be with me. I remembered a few other times in my life when I'd needed him most: the loss of my parents, another health scare many years ago; a time I had to be strong for my child. He had never failed me or left me alone. His love is real. No Matter What.

This morning I chose the word savor. I like the sound of it and all it implies. It means slowing down, enjoying, really enjoying every little moment of every single day. Taking time with my prayer life and reading encouragement. Basking in a long, hot shower. Typing these words. Playing like a little kid with my husband or son. Crocheting with beautiful yarn as it slides through my fingers. Swinging in the sunshine on my porch swing and not caring that I don't have important tasks at hand every second. It's okay to even be a little bored. It means there's life in my body, breath in my lungs, health and light.

The internet had this to say: Savor: to enjoy food or an experience slowly, in order to enjoy it as much as possible: It was the first chocolate he'd tasted for over a year, so he savored every mouthful. Love the fact that you are alive and savor everything that life has to offer.

Are you fearful today? What's pressing upon your heart? Is it time for healing in your soul? Ask. Talk to that wonderful Father. Then ask Him to help you to savor every single blessed moment of every day.